This piece is inspired by a story I read years ago.  It’s more a lecture, to me, than a story as it is speaking directly to the reader.  It speaks of a room you are in where all is known about the room.   A place you’ve lived in all your life and you’ve decorated and redecorated to suit your taste.  There is also a door.  A door that leads to a void.  There seems to be no floors and no walls.  Maybe there is sound, maybe something but it is unknown to you and no light shines within.  The room has become completely known and boring to you.  The excitement, curiosity and fear are focused at the door, and the void.  Will you step through?

I quite like this story and it has stuck with me for years and years.  What is beyond my room and in the void beyond?  Am I brave enough to step through to the unknown?  Below is me playing with the story, “The Room.


I jumped through to that void and what did I find?
The same damn room.
I was confused, did I miss something
this isn’t new, exciting, scary it’s just…
a room
I jumped again
This time… The same damn room!
I felt confusion
and from a confusion of expectation
an expectation of something new and different
came RAGE
Destruction of the room, fighting it all.
Throwing objects out into the void
The room in shambles and my energy wasted
I stepped into the void once more
…to the same room.

With no more rage to spend I collapse into a pile of tears.
What am I doing wrong?
Why this room, always?
I don’t want this room! I’m cursed
I cry until I can cry no longer and I look to the void again.
This time it will be different
 I step through and ….. same room….
despair and then apathy…
I lie for what seems like forever frozen in apathy
no will, no place, no movement
then to the void, the void that let me down so.
What did I fear?
Why did I fear?
What did I hope to find?
Why did I jump in the first place?
Why keep jumping?
What went wrong?
Sitting upright I take in the familiar
a room where nothing ever changes
Then to the void where change was once sought
and the fear of what that change could be and mean.
A deep breath and then another.
A thought arises and it goes by… and then another… and another
A smile, an energy, a creative surge.
Eyes closed and through the void once more
Everything has changed
there is a breeze and light and energy
focus and movement is everywhere
and yet…

What really changed?



pexels-photo-260413.jpegOh, hello, piece of my shadow. It’s been quite a while since we spoke. I’m so sorry that I’ve ignored you for so long.

I’m so glad that you have kept in touch even though I’ve been ignoring you and projecting you. Your patience is infinite.

I’m looking forward to some long conversations as we get reacquainted and start working as a team again. Please feel free to bring some other shadow pieces to the party as you see fit. It’s time to reconnect and become whole again.

New Cup

Posted: February 7, 2018 in contemplative
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So here I stand
Cup in hand
It overflows with stagnant slime covered liquid
Nothing can be added and the old will not help create the new
So with that I pour the contents to the floor
And with the empty cup in hand
I see that the vessel will not hold the bigger grander plan

The cup had it’s day and
It’s time to throw it away
To the floor it is released
Pieces on the floor nothing more

A new vessel is awaiting, temporary for sure
One day it will end on the floor
But it will hold the next journey at hand
A grander, more difficult journey
New skin, new mission, it’s time to begin

On the cup a reminder of what’s allowed within
light heart, curious spirit, able willing body, play mindset:
Embolden all


Thank you Gretchen Rubin!

I have been struggling, truly struggling, with getting things done and figuring out what motivates and drives me to get things done. I once wrote in a private blog, “It’s a decision to do! Nothing more. Nothing less.” I went on to say that if I wanted to change my diet or drink more water, I didn’t have to throw out my junk food or rearrange my family’s diet – I just did it. It’s the decision. In those moments when I make the decision I feel unstoppable.

Here’s the thing. There are times when I can’t make myself do stuff. I say I need to do something and then I go take a nap or I clean the house. I refuse to hold myself to the work. I struggle and more importantly I suffer. Nothing gets done and all of a sudden I hate myself.

So I try something else.

Maybe if I get someone to hold me accountable I can get myself to follow through. NOPE. That fails, too. It’s awful! The “have to” gets in my way. I start, but just fizzle and I fizzle quickly. And then, I Suffer.

What the hell is wrong with me? I know I can motivate. I know I can do crazy things and be disciplined and drive and make things happen. Why can I do grand things sometimes and at other times I can’t make myself do stuff and other people can’t make me or inspire me either? Even being contrarian doesn’t work for me. If someone says “I bet you can’t!”, I shrug it off and don’t really care.

DAMN IT! What will inspire me to “DO”? This has been my curse.

Until yesterday.

I was listening to the Tim Ferriss podcast and he was interviewing Gretchen Rubin. Gretchen explained there are four tendencies that form out of the question, “How do I respond to expectations?” It turns out that this simple word, expectation, is THE player in what gets people to “DO”. I was interested but not overly so.

Towards the end of the podcast Gretchen came back around to tendencies and asked Tim what he thought his tendency was. Tim is a Questioner and as they discussed the traits in detail I finally understood my husband! I was so excited, while I walked around the lake listening to the podcast, that I actually clapped my hands when they said something that totally explained who he was. I was blown away. I’ve never come across such an on point personality trait description.   I had fallen down the rabbit hole!

Sadly, the only tendency they didn’t discuss was the Rebel and I had a feeling I was one. So, as I often do, I Googled the Rebel tendency and downloaded the book on Audible.

As I learned about the Rebel I started to become super excited to have this awareness of my tendency and at the same time I was terrified. This description of a Rebel from Gretchen’s book really rang true for me: “You can’t make me and neither can I”.rebel

What was I suppose to do with that? I told my husband about our tendencies, from my limited understanding, and his response to mine was, “wow, that sounds really childish.” My heart was broken and I told him so. He wasn’t attacking me but he was saying exactly what I tell myself in my head every time someone tells/asks me to do stuff. First, I react internally with “Well since you want me to, I won’t.” and then another part of me kicks in and says “That’s crazy, you sound like a 5 year old.” And the dissonance begins.

Of course my husband’s compassion kicked in and we started to look for solutions. He wants my success and fulfillment as much as I do. “Maybe if you look for something you want out of the experience?” he said, “like when I wash dishes I think of how much I like the warm water on my hands.”

My husband is so wise. As I listened to the Audible version of The Four Tendencies today that’s pretty much the lynch pin for a Rebel. I have to do it because I want to do it. It has to come from me, but in a way that is a want, not an internal expectation. If I expect myself to do something, I rebel against myself. I know it’s crazy, but it’s true.

I could go on and on about this, but for now I want to learn more about how our reaction to expectations affects our actions. I believe this idea and the four tendencies Gretchen Rubin describes are a powerful framework for self understanding. To find out your tendency go to

So once again, thank you Gretchen! You have no idea the clarity you have brought to my thoughts, feelings and daily life. I feel empowered and creative and I really owe it all to your understanding of expectations and the fact that you’ve shared it with the world.

“You can’t spell rebel without the BE!” I love it!


You’ve possibly heard that once you start going for what you want, the universe starts giving you insight, help and direction along the way. 

Or if you don’t believe the universe is helping you, then run with the science that your RAS (Reticular Activating System) starts filtering the things you see.  You start noticing more of the things that will get you where you want to be, or to what you want to get.

If you want to buy a new white Jeep Wrangler, you will start seeing them everywhere you go.  Jeeps will just pop up.  It’s not that there are more Jeeps on the road all of a sudden, its just that your RAS isn’t deleting the data before that data is conscious anymore.  You want a Jeep and the brain says “well, we’ll give you all the information that shows up about Jeeps.”

Me personally, I like the sound of the universe or a muse helping me out.  It keeps me humble. You choose what works for you.

Anyway, I was scheduling an appointment with a colleague to talk about a new fun project and my auto-correct changed “my meetup” to “mutt meetup“.  During my hiking meetup (the one I texted about in the previous sentence), I mentioned my auto-correct and my hiking buddy and I  started riffing about what a “mutt meetup” could possibly be.

First it was a meetup for those dog obstacle courses you see on t.v. sometimes.  You know where the dogs run through tunnels and weaves through sticks and over teeter-totters while the human directs them in the fastest manner possible.  You’ve seen these, right?

Well of course, me being a movement freak, I added that people would also be doing the course with their pet and sense it’s a Mutt meetup there would be no skill required.  That’s right, the humans have to crawl through the tunnel and weave through sticks and balance over teeter-totters.  Can you imagine it?  How much fun would that be?   I imagine lots of laughs and comradery, while getting exercise with your pets.

But that wasn’t the end of it. We kept going.

Next, it was timed

Then it was, maybe I would need to invite a dog obstacle course trainer to the meetup. Because people might want their dogs to actually weave through the poles

Then it was oh and we need to get people moving better so they don’t get hurt. So there’s another adventure to play with.

And then…

It was crazy all of the ideas that popped up from a random auto-correct, and it was so much fun to let the ideas run wild.

So here is the point to this crazy aside.  Are you trusting that maybe, just maybe the universe sometimes uses auto-correct to send you ideas?  Maybe?

If so, you may never look at auto-correct the same again.

You’re welcome!

a) to exercise restraining or directing influence over.
b) to have power over

We take the word control for granted most of the time.  We believe we control our time, our work, the direction of our lives.  At times we attempt to control other people, our children and circumstance.  We use terms and phrases like quality control, control variables, controllers, and self control as ways we can express how we exert power over things.

On an unconscious level control, or perceived control, can play into how we feel about our life and the world.  Take expectations for example, the energy associated with the word expectation, added to this unconscious idea of control, can make us feel like victims of circumstance.  The very word expectation implies that we have control not only of ourselves, but of other people, environments and circumstances.  It makes us believe that a plan will always go perfectly, and when it doesn’t we are frustrated at best or compete failures at worst. With expectations we either get what we plan and move on ignoring our great luck, or the day is a complete wash (disaster) because it didn’t work out as we expected.

A better choice when planning and executing is to have the energy of intentions instead of expectations.  Intentions give us a map to follow to get to a goal, but unlike expectations, detours are allowed.   When we do things from an  energy of intention we are super happy when things work out perfectly.  With intentions we know we only have control over ourselves and that many variables must fall into place to be successful. When things don’t work out perfectly, we are open to modifications to reach our end goal and we are entertained by the adventure.  With intentions we really enjoy and appreciate when things work out perfectly and when they don’t we enjoy the ride.  In making this small choice of energy (intention over Expectation) we find more satisfaction with our day and our choices.

Real life example:

I was getting some family and professional photos taken with my horses and I decided it would be fun to get a photo of me meditating on the butt of a free (no ropes, no saddle, no nothing for control) horse.

The Goal: photo, horse free in the pasture, me on horses butt cross legged, meditating.

If I use expectation: I’m assuming control of the environment, the horse (who I remind you I want completely free), the photographer, the weather, other horses, my hair, my clean cloths… you get the point.  I may even think that, since I’ve trained my horse well and I’m a good rider and the photographer is a professional we can pull this off fairly quickly.  I may expect I jump on and BAM picture perfect.

I may even test to make sure my horse will let me sit on her butt.  If the test works my expectations might be even higher.

This, perfect, picture was taken while I was testing to see if it was even possible.
Thank goodness I’m not an expectation girl.

Things of course don’t always go as planned with horses, I think they enjoy playing with us if we have expectations (yes, I’m anthropomorphizing my horse).  Expectations are a bad plan especially with so many variables including a very playful and mischievous horse.

Luckily I went in with intentions, not expectations.  Here is what happened.

First few attempts she wouldn’t stand still.  So I moved to physical control.

Of course when I let her go she walked off

That’s cool, I can flow with that.  And we got a great picture when she stopped, except….

Horse butt in the background.  Grrr. 

So I went back to basics.  I wasn’t going to try and control her as much.  I was going to put her in an area I liked and wiggle on her back, while she is free until she stands still.


This worked because this is what she knows.  It’s how I trained her in the first place


And finally, with patience and humor we get the perfect shot.

Here is the takeaway.  We can’t control everything, nor should we try. We can only control ourselves and the way we decide to be in our world.  We can make plans, they can be really good and sometimes they work out perfectly!  Instead of expecting perfect to happen,  really celebrate and enjoy those times. If you think about it, those perfect plans are really hard to create.  Go into your plans with a sense of adventure, with intentions, and enjoy the ride as you create the, sometimes winding, path to your goals.  By controlling what you can, and enjoying the rest you won’t feel like the victim you will have control where it matters most.  In YOU.

Special thanks to Kim Beer at Midnight Productions, inc. For taking all of these really fun photos!

Image  —  Posted: April 4, 2017 in Life
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Last year, while we were at the beach, my husband captured a photo of me resting after attempting to skim board.  That same day, before we went out in the morning, he kindly asked if I wanted a chair to sit on.  I declined stating “I practice what I preach so I’m going to sit on the sand.  All I need is a towel.”  Then he listened patiently while I started riffing about how it would be hypocritical of me to sit in a chair on the beach when I’m all about natural movement.

He laughed and then started his little rap song.

I practice what I preach
I squat on the beach
natural movement is within your reach!

Of course one verse just won’t do so, he added another with the things that make me, uniquely me;  Star Wars (specifically Jedi skills), Equine Coaching, MovNat, and of course I’m always thinking of silly things to do with and on my horses.

I took a lot of courses
I meditate on horses
I am a student of both the light and dark forces!

I love my husband for his sense of humor and rhyme!